Friday, May 27, 2022

Media Relieved To Be Covering The Good Kind Of Riots Again

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Media organizations across the country announced today they are relieved to be covering the good kind of riots again, now that people are looting Targets for justice again instead of protesting their government.

“It was pretty rough there for a while,” said Rachel Maddow. “We had to cover the dark days of the violent insurrection. But now that people are stealing Nikes to protest racial injustice, we can return to feel-good reporting about the good riots that are happening.”

Dems Change Mind On Border Wall After Realizing It Will Keep People From Leaving When We Switch To Socialism

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation’s Democratic leaders announced Tuesday they are reversing course on Trump’s proposed border wall, since “it will keep people in once we switch to socialism.”

“We thought the border wall was a bad, racist idea,” said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “But then this light bulb turned on over my head. It was actually just a light bulb though, not an actual idea, which was disappointing. But that got me thinking about trying to have an idea. And I got an idea: when we switch to socialism, everyone’s gonna try to run away. But what if there’s a big, solid object along the border? Then they can’t run away. I mean, they could try to climb, but we could shoot them.”

Women Who Don’t Believe Israel Has Right To Exist Not Sure Why They Got Banned From Israel

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar reported Thursday they were bewildered that they got banned from Israel, a country they seem to believe shouldn’t exist at all.

“It’s racism,” said Omar in a press conference. “It’s all due to racism. Well, that and a Jewish conspiracy. The Jews are behind this, for sure.” (The evidence indicates she’s correct on this assertion, a first for her accusations against Jews).

Biden’s Video Editor Pieces Together 2 Minutes Of Coherent Remarks From 2 Hours Of Raw Footage

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—It’s another day in the Biden administration, and the president’s brilliant video and sound editor Kal Kamden is hard at work sifting through hours of raw footage and multiple takes in order to piece together a coherent sentence for Biden’s latest statement.

“It’s hard work, but totally worth it,” said Kamden. “It’s important for the country to have confidence in the president’s ability to use words and string them into a sentence to form a complete thought. That’s an important part of leadership.”

CDC Now Recommends Wearing A Seat Belt Even When You’re Outside The Car

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

“This guidance is especially important if you’re in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event,” said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. “Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!”

Hillary Clinton Sentenced To 407 Years In Maximum Security by Secret Court for Crimes Against Humanity [?!]

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by Matt, SGT Report:

Sean asked me not to use incendiary headlines.

I tried. I really tried.

It’s tough to admit but on certain issues it’s been a real slog since Donald Trump got elected.

With those forever immortal words of “ … because you’d be in jail” during the presidential campaign those of us in the know (ie not watching CNN) had their hearts lifted that finally some of these NWO traitors were going to start feeling the heat.

TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT 🤡

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from Mark Dice:

TRUTH LIVES on at https://sgtreport.tv/

It’s a Miracle!

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from Mark Dice:

TRUTH LIVES on at https://sgtreport.tv/

The Best of CNN 2018 😆

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from Mark Dice:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_km1Ns9ttM