Monday, August 8, 2022

Biden To Be Sworn In On Copy Of The Communist Manifesto

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has announced his plan to be sworn in on his favorite text: a copy of The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels.

“I will do my duty to this country and swear on this book that represents the guiding principles of my party,” Biden said in a speech, every word coming out with the utmost effort and with the help of a powerful concoction of drugs. “For as long as I am your president, whether that is 8 years, 4 years, or less than 24 hours, I will uphold my oath made on this sacred text.”

Demon Lord Clearly Visible In New York Senate Chamber Applauding Legalization Of Abortion Until Moment Of Birth

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by The Babylon Bee, via The Burning Platform:

ALBANY, NY—As the New York State Senate voted to legalize abortion until the moment of birth, remove legal protections for late-term unborn babies, and allow anyone with a pulse to perform abortion procedures, witnesses claim a demon lord was clearly visible in the gallery cheering on the

“This dude in a dark cloak appeared in a flash of fire and started cackling and stuff,” said one woman who also applauded the decision. “We thought maybe we should call security, but then we saw he was cheering right along with us, so we decided that he can’t be all that bad.”

“Good News” From Venezuela…

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by Bill Bonner, Bonner And Partners:

POITOU, FRANCE – Here at the Diary, we walk on the sunny side of the street, even at night.

So today, we look at the bright side of bad news.

Accidental Healthcare
For example, yesterday we saw what a disaster the Nicolás Maduro government has made of Venezuela.

Consumer prices may be rising at a million percent per year… which must be hard to measure, because there are so few consumer items to buy. The shelves are nearly empty.

But did this ill wind blow no one good? Of course not.

Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record

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from The Babylon Bee:

NEW YORK, NY—In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.

In a local qualifying race for the World Road Cycling League, the motorcyclist crushed the previous 100-mile record of 3 hours, 13 minutes with his amazing new score of well under an hour.

Hillary Clinton Releases DNA Test Results Proving She’s Only Half Lizard Person

by The Babylon Bee, via, The Burning Platform:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortly after Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that may or may not show that she is 1/1024th Native American, failed presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton showed the results of a recent DNA test that conclusively proved she is only 50% Reptilian.

The test, conducted by a renowned DNA expert, showed that only 50% of her blood comes from reptilian humanoids from space bent on destroying humanity. Many Washington insiders had claimed she was 100% reptile, but these claims are now known to be a hoax.

If You Haven’t Laughed At The Ignorance Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Lately, Then Take A Look At This!

by Tim Brown, Freedom OutPost:

Frankly, this clip could be used on a number of Socialist and Communist Democrats, but Ocasio-Cortez is a special kind of stupid and it shows forth in virtually every debate and interview she engages in.

Self-proclaimed “Socialist,” if she even knows what it means, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has been a liberal darling, and I might add liar. However, it’s a wonder that the woman has any chance of winning anything with how obviously ignorant and incoherent she actually is, and the Republicans seem to be capitalizing on it.

James Woods Destroys Gutter ‘Comedian’ Michelle Wolf in Epic Tweetstorm

by Cristina Laila, The Gateway Pundit:

Nearly everyone was appalled over the nasty, vile insults ‘comedienne’ Michelle Wolf hurled at Sarah Huckabee Sanders during the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner Saturday night.

The gutter ‘comedian’ even cracked a joke about abortion as the audience of liberal snakes laughed.

Pure evil.

James Woods went off on the foul-mouthed ‘comedian’ and liberal reporters at the WHCD in an epic tweetstorm.

Would the government let Jesus cure cancer?

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by Jon Rappoport, No More Fake News:

In the 1990s, I watched a federal trial in a Los Angeles courtroom. The defendant was charged with selling medical drugs without a license to practice medicine.

The defendant was prepared to argue that a) the substance he was selling was naturally produced in the body and b) it was effective.

The prosecution moved to exclude such testimony, on the grounds that it was irrelevant.

The judge agreed. Therefore, the trial was nasty, brutish, and short. The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to prison for several years.

This is how the federal bureaucracy operates. “Do you have a government-issued license to heal? No? You’re a criminal. End of story.”

Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship

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from The Babylon Bee:

AUBURN, CA—Local 36-year-old man Nate Ripley, who identifies as a six-year-old, “absolutely crushed” a game-winning homer at a local tee-ball game and won the championship for his team Monday evening, reports confirmed.

Ripley reportedly walked up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th, pointed his bat toward the left-field wall looming 130 feet in the distance, and let her rip, sending the ball rocketing over the fence and into a parking lot as the fans cheered and his coach yelled out, “Attaboy, Nate! Good job, bud!”

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

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from The Babylon Bee:

MALIBU, CA—Many described the scene as breathtaking or awe-inspiring. Others were so touched they couldn’t find the words to communicate how they felt. Most simply wept.

No matter how they expressed their emotions, everyone agreed that the scene off the Malibu coast Monday morning was exactly what America needed to get through this pandemic. Celebrities gathered their multi-million-dollar yachts on the waters of the Pacific Ocean and spelled out “WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.”

CNN Apologizes To Stalin, Mao After Comparing Them To Trump

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has apologized to Stalin and Mao after a guest compared the brutal dictators to Donald Trump.

“I am so sorry to all of Stalin and Mao’s brave supporters,” said Brian Stelter in an on-air apology Tuesday morning. “We never meant to associate these great men with Donald Trump. We did not intend to disparage communism in that way.”

Here Come the Celebrities! 😆

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from Mark Dice:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Llg0W5MtzIk