Monday, January 17, 2022

Stopped Clock Named CNN’s Most Accurate Reporter

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has given a special award to the clock hanging in one of its studios, naming it the news station’s most accurate reporter. The clock, which has been stuck showing the time to be 1:11 for the past three years, was found to surpass every other CNN reporter in how often it got the news exactly right.

“The wall clock is an inspiration to us all,” said CNN president Jeffrey Zucker. “Now, it doesn’t always get things right—but nobody is perfect. Still, twice a day, that clock absolutely nails the facts. That’s way better than anyone else we have.”

New Radar System Alerts Politicians When People Are Enjoying Something So They Can Ban It

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Politicians in Washington have developed a radar that detects when people are enjoying something so they can figure out what will be the target of their next ban.

The advanced fun detection system has already found hundreds of new things that politicians in Washington weren’t aware people were enjoying. Every day, the lawmakers and executives are provided with a list of fun stuff people are doing and then immediately get to work on stopping this fun.

Google Deploys Squads Of Firemen To Burn Offensive Books, Videos, Websites

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from The Babylon Bee:

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—It looks like Google is adding hundreds of jobs to Silicon Valley, as its newly opened book-burning division is looking to hire firemen.

These firemen don’t put out fires, but rather, they destroy books, videos, information, and anything else that contradicts a far-left worldview. They utilize fire at 451 degrees Fahrenheit. Google’s robotics division has also reportedly developed a Mechanical Hound designed to sniff out resistance to its totalitarian destruction of offensive content.

Asylum Orderlies Return Hillary Clinton To Padded Cell Disguised As Oval Office

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources close to Hillary Clinton, the failed presidential candidate was gently returned to her padded cell disguised as the Oval Office over the weekend.

After the failed presidential candidate had escaped from the premises again and accused thousands of people of being Russian agents, orderlies were finally able to catch her and guide her back to her cell. She had escaped through the ventilation ducts, apparently, and quickly gave deranged interviews in which she seemed not to understand that she hadn’t won the 2016 election. She also found a smartphone and tweeted troubling things, causing asylum personnel to put out a call for her safe return.

They’re Lovely

from Mark Dice:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDtLi5N51_w

Nation Spends Day Acknowledging Existence Of Completely Unnecessary Parent

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—While everyone has a mother–a necessity in every family for raising and providing for the children–there is a second type of parent some people have called a “father.” It is unknown what purpose this seemingly vestigial parent provides, but today is a holiday known as Father’s Day, where the existence of fathers is acknowledged even if their purpose is unknown.

“That fathers exist at all is kind of insulting,” said feminist activist Caron Wolff. “That they’re around at all seems to imply women could use help running a family–which simply isn’t true. Still, it is a fact that they currently exist, so I guess it’s okay to spend one day acknowledging that fact as long as not too big a deal is made of it.”

Powerful: Protesters Spell Out ‘Love’ With Burning Homes And Businesses

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from The Babylon Bee:

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a powerful display of their care for love and justice, protesters in Minneapolis burned the word “LOVE” into the city, arranging the inspiring message with homes and businesses set ablaze by their riots.

Heartfelt and moving.

“We just really wanted to show how much we care about love and social justice by burning this community into a powerful reminder of what it’s all about,” said local protester Jake Hernandez, who had flown in from Portland for the event. “Now, when police and fire helicopters fly over to try to restore order, they’ll be inspired by our message of love and harmony.”

Florida Recount Finally Wraps Up, Al Gore Declared President

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from The Babylon Bee:

FLORIDA—As Florida finally wrapped up its contentious recount of the votes tallied in the recent midterm elections, a winner was finally declared: Al Gore is now the president of the United States.

The recount process at long last found the “missing votes” that would have handed Gore the presidency back in 2000, making him the official president of the country.