Thursday, June 4, 2020

Hillary Clinton Receives Large Cash Advance For ‘What Happened 2’ Ahead Of 2020 Presidential Run

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by The Babylon Bee, via The Burning Platform:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources close to the Clinton camp, Hillary has already received a large cash advance for a book to explain the imminent failure of her 2020 campaign.

What Happened 2 will explore all the reasons Hillary Clinton lost the 2020 race, from Russian hackers and ignorant bigots to extraterrestrials and global warming.

“If you didn’t get enough of Hillary blaming her 2016 failure on everyone except herself in the first book, you’ll love What Happened 2,” said a press release from the book’s publisher, Simon & Schuster. “The chapter in which Hillary will blame the electoral college will be particularly interesting, as will the lengthy appendix listing over 4,500 scapegoats for her upcoming loss.”

The NFL Goes Full Libtard

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from Mark Dice:

CNN Draws Largest Crowd In Years

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN executives were baffled by a large crowd outside their offices and in their lobby Friday, not having seen an audience that size in many years.

Execs quickly added the hundreds of people outside their offices to their audience numbers, more than doubling their ratings for the day.

Scientists Recommend Reducing The Number Of Democratic Presidential Candidates To Help Fight Climate Change

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from The Babylon Bee:

WORLD—Scientists have issued a dire warning: the current number of Democratic presidential candidates is simply unsustainable.

“No one ever thought this many people would run for president,” said climate scientist Dr. Raymond Hall, “and the planet just can’t take it. We’re talking each of them eating up resources vying for airtime, printing stickers with trite slogans, and flying from Iowa to New Hampshire. If they were actually all to be in one place for a debate, it would be an ecological disaster.”

Insane Guy Shouting He’ll Buy Back Your Stuff With Your Own Money Becomes Popular Democratic Candidate

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from The Babylon Bee:

TROUTDALE, MI—An insane man who is known for stumbling through the streets of Troutdale shouting at people that he’ll buy back things from them that he never owned after he takes money from them that he does not possess has become one of the leading candidates in the 2020 presidential election.

Facebook Removing Any Posts Quoting The First Amendment For ‘Encouraging Illegal Activity’

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—During the ongoing pandemic, Facebook has decided to crack down on any posts that encourage activities violating edicts from local governments, such as mass protests or leaving one’s house. As part of this effort, the platform is now removing any posts that quote the First Amendment, as they say all it does is encourage illegal activity.

Nation Approves Plan To Push Hollywood Into Pacific Ocean

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new law passed by Congress and signed into law by President Trump Thursday approves a plan to push Hollywood into the Pacific Ocean, sources in Washington are reporting.

The new law calls for federal officials to build or acquire a giant hand saw and make a rough incision along the outside of the central district of Los Angeles, leaving a large enough buffer so as to be sure that none of Hollywood would remain, allowing the scandal-ridden Tinseltown and its occupants to simply drift out to sea.

CNN: ‘Our Ratings Are Only Tanking Because Trump Is Killing Off Viewers By The Millions’

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN host Brian Stelter blamed President Trump for the network’s falling ratings Sunday, accusing the president of killing millions upon millions of people that otherwise might have tuned into CNN.

“If Trump weren’t killing off most of America by the millions, we’d still have a pretty solid viewer base,” Stelter bellowed at the three viewers watching Reliable Sources. “Airports, lobbies, waiting rooms, and gas station pumps are now playing CNN to absolutely no one, since Trump has killed them all.”