Sunday, July 25, 2021

Other States Look To Texas For Advice On How To Get Democrats To Leave

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In a brilliant move, Governor Greg Abbott has tricked dozens of Democrat legislators into leaving Texas. This is leading other governors across the country to ask Texas for advice on how they can get Democrats to leave their states as well.

“Arizona is a beautiful state,” said Governor Doug Ducey, “but it has one problem: it’s full of Democrats. Is there some way we can just get them to—I dunno—leave? Why can’t they live in California or Cuba, or somewhere they’ll fit in better?”

Health Ranger: Top 10 reasons to take the covid vaccine… WHAH?!

by Mike Adams, Natural News:

I admit that I’ve made quite an assumption this entire time in warning people about the dangers of the covid vaccines. My assumption was that people wanted to live, have healthy babies and experience life without suffering.

It turns out that was an incorrect assumption for a great many people.

Not everybody thinks their life is important enough to spare.

Some people truly want to die, often in the name of some fanatical belief.

Many people who worship GAIA, for example — the “god” entity of planet Earth — would happily sacrifice themselves in the name of halting climate change. A spike protein injection gives them a very easy way to achieve that. With one swift prick, they can die knowing they’ve helped “save the planet.”

Facebook To Provide Pop-Up Warning When Your Friends Begin Thinking For Themselves

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from The Babylon Bee:

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has introduced a new feature that will warn you when one of your friends is sharing free and independent thoughts on its network.

Should you encounter an unapproved opinion, Facebook will provide a pop-up warning letting you know that if you’re concerned about a friend expressing opinions derived from free thought that is not in line with big tech companies, major corporations, Hollywood, universities, or the government, you can get them help.

Emperor Palpatine Urges Citizens To Give Up Their Blasters Since They’d Need A Death Star To Beat The Empire

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from The Babylon Bee:

CORUSCANT—Emperor Sheev Palpatine has made a new push for blaster control in an effort to bring peace to the galaxy.

“We live in a world where the common rogue feels he can just shoot first whenever he feels like it,” Palpatine said in a speech at the former headquarters of the Galactic Senate. “This violence has to end.”

Huge Spike In Americans Buying F-15s After Biden Suggests You’ll Need Them To Overthrow Government

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation scrambled to buy F-15s and nuclear weapons after President Biden said in a speech Wednesday that you’ll never beat a government unless you have the fighter jets and intercontinental ballistic missiles.

All over the nation, American citizens were seen parking their brand-new F-15s in their driveways and garages. Some wealthier Americans purchased the F-22, while less fortunate citizens were forced to buy the F-35 joint fighter. But no matter what craft they chose, American citizens said they were just glad to finally be protected against a tyrannical government.

Female Weightlifter Suffers Tragic Testicle Injury Just Weeks Before Tokyo Olympics

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from The Babylon Bee:

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—100% totally female weightlifter Laurel Hubbard was forced to bid farewell to her Olympic dreams yesterday after a tragic accident left her with a severely lacerated testicle. Hubbard would have been the first transgender woman to compete in the Olympics.

The injury is not life-threatening, but doctors have advised Hubbard that she needs to refrain from heavy lifting for at least six to eight weeks as her injury heals. Obviously, that means Olympic weightlifting is off the table.

Biden Announces Putin Meeting Was A Success, Hunter Now Has A Job With Russian Pipeline

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from The Babylon Bee:

GENEVA, RUSSIA — President Joe Biden has announced to the world that talks with Russian President Vladimir Putin have been a massive success.

“We had a real breakthrough, me and ol’ Putin,” said Biden triumphantly. “I stared him down and said, ‘Look pal, here’s the deal: You get whatever you want, but my son WILL get a cushy job over on the Russian pipeline.’”