Thursday, June 4, 2020

Nation That Revolted Over Three-Pence Tax On Tea Now ‘Pretty Cool’ With Government Locking Everyone In Their Homes

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation that once revolted over minor taxes on tea and stamps is now “pretty cool” with state and local governments locking everyone in their homes and robbing them of their livelihood indefinitely.

A new poll has confirmed that the country that threw crates of tea into a harbor because they’d have to pay a little more for their caffeinated beverages is fine with tyrannical states destroying everybody’s lives, as long as they have their Netflix and Amazon Prime.

Ancestry.com Revokes Genealogies Of African Americans Who Don’t Support BidenAncestry.com Revokes Genealogies Of African Americans Who Don’t Support Biden

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from The Babylon Bee:

LEHI, UT—Popular for-profit genealogy company Ancestry.com has revoked the family heritage of any African American who says they would not vote for Joe Biden. The company said they made the changes to reflect prevailing social beliefs about race and culture.

“It used to be if your ancestors were from Africa and your skin was a darker pigment, then you were considered black,” said Ancestry spokesperson Sheila Reinold. “Times have changed. What really determines a person’s blackness now—beyond genes, DNA, family trees—is Joe Biden. Any other determiner of race is pure malarkey at this point.”

Weird: Guy Injected With Bill Gates’ New Vaccine Suddenly Thinks Internet Explorer Is The Greatest

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from The Babylon Bee:

MEDINA, WA—The effort to find a vaccine for the coronavirus reached a milestone today after philanthropist Bill Gates unveiled his brand new “Coronavirus Cure v 2.1.13” to the world. It’s now being tested on human beings for the very first time. The first test subject, Ryan Flenderson, is now protected from the coronavirus for all eternity thanks to science and the philanthropic genius Bill Gates.

The Coronavirus Circus Continues

by Bill Sardi, Lew Rockwell:

KEY POINTS

  • Researchers report most people infected with COVID-19 experience little or no symptoms; but only 8% developed sufficient antibodies in recent study. Without natural exposure and infection, COVID-19 will surely return in November.
  • The threat of re-infection: maybe just false-positive blood tests.
  • Treatment kills: over-reliance upon ventilators can induce lung trauma and death.

(To be read like it is an advertising script)

Doctor Arrested For Prescribing Fresh Air, Sunshine

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from The Babylon Bee:

VENTURA, CA—Local physician Dr. Greg E. Meade was arrested and charged with endangering the public health after he prescribed a patient fresh air and sunshine.

“You know what the best thing for you to do right now is to go outside, get some fresh air, and enjoy the sunshine,” the dangerous madman told a patient. “Walk around, breathe in deep, take in the sun. It’ll do you some good.”

Prohibition Enforcement Agents Raid Haircutting Speakeasy

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from The Babylon Bee:

DALLAS, TX—Clad in fedoras, smoking cigars, and wielding Tommy guns, prohibition enforcement agents raided a speakeasy salon today, busting a dangerous gang of haircutting criminals.

The community thanked the brave agents for keeping them safe from the underground haircutting crime ring. The business has been operating in secret, with hair stylists opening a little eye slot and asking for the password before letting ladies in to get their hair cut. Authorities believe they have smuggled hundreds of desperate women in for cuts, colors, and even deadly shampoos.