Thursday, April 25, 2019

Ocasio-Cortez Suddenly Shifts To Speaking Like Jar Jar Binks While Addressing Crowd Of Gungans

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from The Babylon Bee:

NABOO—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has come under fire after giving a speech to a crowd of Gungan supporters on the planet of Naboo. Critics claim Ocasio-Cortez clearly shifted her speaking style to try to emulate the Gungans’ speech patterns, changing her speech to sound exactly like that of Jar Jar Binks.

“Meesa Ocasio-Cortez. Meesa gonna seize the means of production big-big,” she said as the Gungan crowd cheered.

Venezuela Praised For Achieving World’s First Zero-Hour Work Week

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from The Babylon Bee:

CARACAS—Socialist Venezuela has received praise from various leftist groups across the globe for achieving the world’s first-ever zero-hour work week.

France was getting close with its 8-hour work week, but Venezuela blew it away by finally achieving a work week of just zero hours.

“Workers in oppressed America have to work 40 hours a week sometimes,” President Nicolás Maduro said in a press conference. “Here in Venezuela, you don’t work at all. There are no jobs. Also no food or money. Please send help.”

Joe Biden Appointed As Head Of TSA

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid a flurry of accusations of inappropriate touching and crowding people’s personal space leveled at former vice president Joe Biden, President Trump announced Friday that Biden is his appointment to the Transporation Security Administration.

Biden will be tasked with showing TSA agents how to violate people’s personal space and privacy in their daily groping of American citizens.

Man Arrested While Attempting To Smuggle Chick-Fil-A Sandwich Into San Antonio Airport

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from The Babylon Bee:

SAN ANTONIO, TX—A local man was apprehended today while trying to smuggle a delicious Chick-fil-A classic chicken sandwich into San Antonio International Airport.

The man was reportedly acting suspiciously as he approached a TSA checkpoint, looking around nervously and feeling something in his pocket. When he got to the scanners, he was called aside for a check, and sure enough, agents discovered the warm, moist, tender chicken sandwich. He was tackled to the floor and dragged away by force.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Economics Degree Recalled

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from Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spent a few minutes on Twitter lamenting the price of a croissant at an airport, linking it to the need for a higher minimum wage for some reason, an independent degree quality control board issued an emergency recall on her economics degree.

Basic Economic Understanding Bureau officials burst into the congresswoman’s office and confiscated her economics degree early Tuesday morning “for the safety of the nation.” They found it hanging on the wall next to a hammer & sickle flag. They tore it down and returned it to Boston University for safekeeping.

Stopped Clock Named CNN’s Most Accurate Reporter

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has given a special award to the clock hanging in one of its studios, naming it the news station’s most accurate reporter. The clock, which has been stuck showing the time to be 1:11 for the past three years, was found to surpass every other CNN reporter in how often it got the news exactly right.

“The wall clock is an inspiration to us all,” said CNN president Jeffrey Zucker. “Now, it doesn’t always get things right—but nobody is perfect. Still, twice a day, that clock absolutely nails the facts. That’s way better than anyone else we have.”

Nation’s Psychiatric Wards Prepare For Influx Of Deranged Liberals Should Mueller Report Not Prove Collusion

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from Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation’s psychiatric wards are preparing themselves for an influx of deranged liberals, as Robert Mueller’s official report into Russian collusion has now been filed with the attorney general.

As it now seems unlikely that the report will provide definitive proof that President Trump colluded with Russia during his 2016 campaign, psych wards and mental health facilities began bracing themselves for a wave of psychotic, disillusioned liberals to be checked in by their friends and family members.