Monday, June 17, 2019

Ocasio-Cortez Disappointed To Learn The ‘Free Market’ Isn’t A Grocery Store Where You Don’t Have To Pay For Anything

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has struggled to get by on her new six-figure salary, given the high cost of living in her luxurious Washington, D.C. crib.

So when she heard in passing that the United States has a “free market” economy, she was ecstatic. She immediately set out in an Uber to try to find one of the free markets, assuming they were grocery stores where you don’t have to pay for anything.

In Honor Of Memorial Day, John Bolton Announces 7 New Wars

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a moving speech to honor Memorial Day, National Security Advisor John Bolton announced seven new wars the U.S. will launch in the coming months.

It’s customary for military leaders to say a few words on Memorial Day, sometimes thanking past soldiers for their sacrifice or reminding Americans of the price of freedom. This year, Bolton is going above and beyond, actually announcing new unnecessary wars as a special gift to the country on this solemn occasion.

Report: Long-Running Political Lecture Show ‘Saturday Night Live’ Will Shift To Comedy Next Season

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from The Babylon Bee:

NEW YORK, NY—A new report out of well-known political lecture show Saturday Night Live indicated Friday that the series will undergo a drastic genre change, shifting to a comedic format.

Insiders claim the series will attempt to have jokes, funny skits, and clever writing. It’s a major change for the series, since it pretty much just lectures you on what to believe politically at this point.

In Brazen Act Of Aggression, Iran Deploys Its Country Right Next To Our Aircraft Carrier

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from The Babylon Bee:

PERSIAN GULF—In what’s being called a dangerous act of aggression, the country of Iran has deployed its country right next to the USS Abraham Lincoln Carrier Strike Group, which was just minding its own business in the Persian Gulf.

“It is clear that Iran wants war,” said National Security Advisor John Bolton. “Our carrier strike group was just off on a pleasure cruise on the other side of the world, and Iran insisted on placing its country right next to it.”

Facebook SWAT Team Arrests Man For Illegal Possession Of Conservative Views

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from The Babylon Bee:

LA MESA, CA—As part of a widespread crackdown on unacceptable viewpoints on the social network, Facebook sent out its SWAT teams Monday to arrest local man Kent Rogers for illegal possession of conservative views.

After Facebook took out several fringe personalities last week, conservatives thought they were in the clear, but it turns out they were just next on the list.