Wednesday, October 16, 2019

New Genderfluid Dolls Emit Blast Of Pepper Spray, Alert Authorities When Children Use Wrong Pronoun

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from The Babylon Bee:

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel announced an exciting new line of gender-neutral dolls recently, causing progressives to praise the company and conservatives to foam at the mouth and demand a safe space.

But there’s one feature of the dolls that hasn’t yet been discussed: according to a Mattel insider, the dolls will emit a powerful blast of pepper spray and alert authorities if your child refers to the doll with the wrong pronoun.

WATCH: Mini AOC is BACK, Says ‘Looks Like Politics are No Longer Off Limits for Children Thanks to Greta’

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by Cassandra Fairbanks, The Gateway Pundit:

The tiny Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez impersonator, Ava Martinez, who had been driven off the internet due to threats and harassment is back with a brand new hilarious parody video — saying that it “looks like politics are no longer off limits for children thanks to Greta.”

“The sky is falling! The sky is falling…” the eight-year-old AOC lookalike tweeted with her newest video.

Bernie Sanders Unveils New Plan To Levy Special Tax On Anyone Who Makes More Money Than Bernie Sanders

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders has unveiled his new wealth tax plan, a sweeping proposal that will heavily tax people who make too much money.

The cut-off line for determining who is a good, successful citizen and who is a greedy leech destroying society will be however much money Bernie Sanders makes.

Elizabeth Warren Admits To Wearing Paleface At College Costume Party

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senator Elizabeth Warren is embroiled in controversy once again, this time after she admitted to wearing racially offensive “paleface” at a costume party back in her college days.

“As a proud Native American woman, I now realize that dressing as a white woman at that party all those years ago was insensitive and offensive,” she said in a heartfelt apology video. “It was wrong of me to culturally appropriate white culture, as I am only 1023/1024th white European colonizer.”

New Radar System Alerts Politicians When People Are Enjoying Something So They Can Ban It

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Politicians in Washington have developed a radar that detects when people are enjoying something so they can figure out what will be the target of their next ban.

The advanced fun detection system has already found hundreds of new things that politicians in Washington weren’t aware people were enjoying. Every day, the lawmakers and executives are provided with a list of fun stuff people are doing and then immediately get to work on stopping this fun.

Insane Guy Shouting He’ll Buy Back Your Stuff With Your Own Money Becomes Popular Democratic Candidate

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from The Babylon Bee:

TROUTDALE, MI—An insane man who is known for stumbling through the streets of Troutdale shouting at people that he’ll buy back things from them that he never owned after he takes money from them that he does not possess has become one of the leading candidates in the 2020 presidential election.

Least Masculine Society In Human History Decides Masculinity Is A Growing Threat

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—As society becomes increasingly dominated by nerds, hipsters, and computer programmers, people have fixated on what they think is our biggest problem: masculinity.

“It’s just toxic and causes nothing but problems,” said Elisha Mcewen, a vegan activist and no threat whatsoever to spiders or tight jar lids. “I was sharing my feelings on masculinity with other men in my drum circle, and we all agreed that if we ever encountered masculinity, we would run far away.”

Walmart Discontinues Auto Part Sales To Prevent Car Accidents

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from The Babylon Bee:

BENTONVILLE, AR—In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.

According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.

Snopes Rates Biden’s Claim That 2+2=5 As ‘Mostly True’

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Joe Biden recently made a strange claim: that 2+2=5. He was ridiculed for his gaffe after making the statement while speaking at an elementary school. The kids all said, “Hey, dummy! The answer is 4, not 5!”

But the crack squad of fact-checkers at Snopes quickly got to work on Biden’s incredulous claim. Their findings? Biden’s statement was actually “mostly true.”

Biden Claims He Was There 3,000 Years Ago When Isildur Took The Ring And The Strength Of Men Failed

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from The Babylon Bee:

HANOVER, NH—At a New Hampshire campaign stop, presidential candidate Joe Biden claimed he was at Mount Doom 3,000 years ago when Isildur decided to take the Ring instead of destroying it.

“I was there,” he said, his voice trailing off as some long-forgotten memory flashed before his eyes. “I was there 3,000 years ago… when Isildur took the Ring. I was there the day the strength of men failed.” Biden said that “the time of white men is over” and that “the time for us to listen to minority voices instead has come,” though he was quick to clarify that he should still be the one to wield the Ring of Power.

CNN Apologizes To Stalin, Mao After Comparing Them To Trump

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has apologized to Stalin and Mao after a guest compared the brutal dictators to Donald Trump.

“I am so sorry to all of Stalin and Mao’s brave supporters,” said Brian Stelter in an on-air apology Tuesday morning. “We never meant to associate these great men with Donald Trump. We did not intend to disparage communism in that way.”