Thursday, August 13, 2020

Gracious Trump Suggests Delaying Election Until Dems Find A Candidate Who Can Form Coherent Sentences

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.โ€”President Trump, always desiring to be gracious and fair, suggested delaying the election yesterday until the Dems can find a candidate who can form complete, coherent sentences.

“Look, I want this to be fair,” Trump said. “Why don’t we push this thing off six months or so? That will give the Dems plenty of time to try to find someone who can go toe to toe with me. It won’t be easy. There aren’t many. But I’m sure they can find a worthy opponent for me to beat.”

No Wonder!

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from Mark Dice:

University Of Oxford Reports Vaccine Trial #666 Was Successful

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from The Babylon Bee:

OXFORDโ€”A research team at the University of Oxford announced today that after 665 failed trials of a vaccine for the coronavirus, trial number 666 was successful. Trial #666, codenamed “The Beast,” provoked the desired immune system response researchers have been searching for.

“This vaccine will stop humanity–er, I mean, coronavirus in its tracks,” the head researcher on the vaccine project, Dr. Lucy Ferre, said at a press conference this morning. “We can get through these several years of tribulation together as long as we all take the mar–I mean, the vaccine.”

Elizabeth Warren Declares Herself Warlord Of Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone

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from The Babylon Bee:

EASTERN OKLAHOMAโ€”The Supreme Court decided this week that half of Oklahoma is Native American land. Failed presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren was seen soon after in the newly formed Eastern Oklahoma Autonomous Zone with an authentic tomahawk and bow purchased in a gift shop, declaring herself to be the warlord of the area.

“We must overthrow the palefaces,” she said in an address to her people, who looked both confused and annoyed. “This is no longer part of the colonizers’ United States of America — we are an autonomous collective.” The U.S. senator then instructed the Native Americans to build “wigwams” along the borders of their newly formed territory to keep out the “white man with his fire sticks.”

Americans Excited To Celebrate Their Liberty While Confined To Their Homes By The Government

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.โ€”Americans said they are excited to celebrate Independence Day this year while confined to their homes by government order.

“I sure am glad I live in a free country,” said one man in California as he checked his phone to see what the current unilateral mandates by his governor would allow him to do this year. “Oh, good, nothing. Guess I’ll play video games or something.”