Thursday, August 22, 2019

Six-Year-Old Saying, ‘Why Don’t We Just Give Everything Away For Free?’ Surges To Top Of Democratic Polls

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—A new candidate has come out of nowhere to surge in the polls in the Democratic primary, and she’s only six years old. Susie Peters of Minneapolis, Minnesota, was on a local news segment where children gave their opinions on world problems, and she asked, “Why can’t we just give everyone everything they want for free?” The message quickly went viral and really resonated with Democratic voters, propelling Susie from unknown to third in most polls, ahead of Bernie Sanders and just behind Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden.

We Would Like To State For The Record That Hillary Clinton Is An Upstanding Citizen And A Fine Human Being

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from The Babylon Bee:

A note from the editorial board at The Babylon Bee:

A number of people have questioned our love for Hillary Clinton based on some satirical pieces published on our site recently.

We would like to clear things up by saying that Hillary Clinton is an upstanding citizen and a very fine human being. She is of excellent character. She would never hurt anyone. The people who wrote those jokes, headlines, and pieces that seemed to criticize Hillary have been dealt with.

Artist Sabo strikes again: Billboards hijacked in LA to slam Epstein & Polanski

from Fellowship Of The Minds:

Not much needed to say about this billboard. It pretty much sums up Hollyweird.

If you want the details, read the Hollywood Reporter story here.

DCG

Snopes Rolls Out New Opinion Check Feature

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Snopes has rolled out a helpful new feature: an opinion checker.

Alongside the site’s helpful fact checks of satirical articles and debunking of urban legends, there will now be a section of the site dedicated to checking out opinions and letting you know which ones are acceptable to hold.

TRAINWRECK MUELLER HEARING SPARKS MEMES GALORE

from InfoWars:

Former Special Counsel Robert Mueller testified before Congress on Wednesday over his report concluding no collusion between Trump and Russia, and the hearing was such a disaster for Democrats and Mueller that the memes could not be held back.

Man Drowns As Politically Correct Passengers Struggle To Describe What Just Went Overboard

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from The Babylon Bee:

SAN DIEGO, CA—While sailing off the La Jolla coast Friday, a man tragically drowned after falling off a boat and being lost at sea. He could have been saved, but the other passengers who witnessed him topple over the railing spent too long debating what to yell to inform the captain that he had fallen.

“Human overboard? Person overboard? Generic sentient entity overboard?” one man mused as he sipped a strawberry daiquiri. “I don’t want to be offensive here. We’ve got to be careful.”

Unsatisfied By Thrill Of Eating Tide Pods, Millennials To Storm Military Base

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation’s millennials (and many Gen Zers) thought they were finally satisfied, having consumed millions of dollars’ worth of tide pods, and having snorted a “literal ton” of condoms. For a short while, they felt they were finally content in their need to seek wild thrills by performing potentially fatal activities.

But the gaping void in millennials’ souls remained, and their desire to engage in more and more destructive behavior grew once again. They’ve reportedly turned to a new “wacky challenge” in their constant thrill-seeking adventures: charging a fortified military base.

Dems Change Mind On Border Wall After Realizing It Will Keep People From Leaving When We Switch To Socialism

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation’s Democratic leaders announced Tuesday they are reversing course on Trump’s proposed border wall, since “it will keep people in once we switch to socialism.”

“We thought the border wall was a bad, racist idea,” said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “But then this light bulb turned on over my head. It was actually just a light bulb though, not an actual idea, which was disappointing. But that got me thinking about trying to have an idea. And I got an idea: when we switch to socialism, everyone’s gonna try to run away. But what if there’s a big, solid object along the border? Then they can’t run away. I mean, they could try to climb, but we could shoot them.”

Impressed Military Drops Portland Antifa In Hostile ISIS Territory To Continue Doling Out Justice

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from The Babylon Bee:

IRAQ—High-ranking officials in the U.S. Military have been watching Portland closely in recent weeks, keeping a keen eye on anti-fascist vigilante group, Antifa. “These great Americans are really passionate about fighting fascism. It’s inspiring to see,” said one general. The decision was made to gather up as many Antifa members as possible into a large plane and fly them into the Middle East to a territory where ISIS still held some power.

Nike Execs Stop Breathing After Kaepernick Points Out Racists In 18th Century Also Breathed

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from The Babylon Bee:

BEAVERTON, OR—All upper management personnel and top executives at Nike’s headquarters have, sadly, passed away after they voluntarily stopped breathing.

They did this because Colin Kaepernick called their offices in a rage once he discovered they were breathing since racists in the 18th century also breathed.

Nike Releases Bernie Sanders Signature Shoe That Helps You Survive Under Socialism

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from The Babylon Bee:

BEAVERTON, OR—Nike has released a new patriotic shoe just in time for the Fourth of July: the Sanders Air Marx, the official, signature shoe of Senator Bernie Sanders.

Every pair of Air Marx is emblazoned with Sanders’ signature and iconic “crazy old man” silhouette. The shoes pack in all kinds of useful features for people living in a socialist regime, including the following: