Saturday, January 18, 2020

John Bolton Can’t Believe He Left White House Just Before War With Iran

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources close to the former national security adviser, a teary-eyed John Bolton wept in great pain and anguish that he left the Trump administration just before the war with Iran broke out.

“Wait — what!?!” he had screamed as he saw that Trump had ordered a missile strike on Qasam Soleimani. “No… no… it can’t be true… it just can’t!”

CNN: ‘Trump Voter Shoots Mentally Ill Man In Church’

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—Churchgoer Jack Wilson shot and killed a mass shooter at West Freeway Church of Christ, preventing what could have been a much worse shooting.

But CNN reported on the event with the headline and caption “Trump voter shot a mentally ill man in a Texas church,” causing some to question whether CNN might be a biased source of news.

Hillary Clinton Slams Trump For Not Taking A More ‘Hands-Off’ Approach To Embassy Attack

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C—Hillary Clinton has slammed President Trump on Twitter for not taking a more “hands-off” approach to the protests in Iraq that threatened American lives at the embassy there.

After Trump quickly sent Marines to defend Americans trapped at the embassy, Clinton immediately blasted him for taking such “rash, uncalled-for” action when he could have just “waited around a while to see what happens.”

Media Disappointed To Learn Armed Citizen Stopped Mass Shooting

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation’s media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting.

“We grieve that this tragedy we could have exploited for weeks on end was stopped by a good guy with a gun,” said one teary-eyed MSNBC reporter on the scene. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the shooter.”

Experts Warn Global Outrage Levels May Reach Point Of No Return In 2020

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from The Babylon Bee:

WORLD—The UN Panel on Outrage Change has confirmed the worst: global levels of outrage may reach the point of no return in 2020.

Outrage levels previously reached dangerous highs during the Bush administration, but Obama was able to reverse the trend. He didn’t change much about the way Bush was handling things, but he was a Democrat, so outrage levels went back down as the press stopped reporting on scandals and corruption.

Pictures Of Santa Coming Down The Chimney In Blackface Surface

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from The Babylon Bee:

NORTH POLE—Santa Claus has become embroiled in controversy yet again, this time as new pictures have emerged of the magical fat man sliding down a chimney in blackface.

The pictures, sent to news outlets by the Easter Bunny, clearly show Santa Claus popping out of multiple chimneys with his face covered in offensive dark makeup.

Doctor Strange Searches 14,000,605 Futures But Doesn’t Find Any Where Trump Gets Removed From Office

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Concerned about their chances of successfully removing Trump from office via impeachment, Democrat leaders gathered in Washington to consult a Magic 8-ball. But Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got too excited and shook it too hard, shattering the glass and rendering it useless.

So, Nancy Pelosi put her on timeout and called a consultant: Doctor Stephen Strange. The doctor arrived through a portal.

Millions Of Voices Cry Out In Terror As Liberals Wake Up And Realize Trump Is Still President

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—An echo was heard across the land this morning from sea to shining sea as progressives woke up after celebrating Impeachment Day and learned that Trump is still the president.

High off their impeachment victory, liberals went to bed safe and secure in the knowledge that Trump was defeated, his evil vanquished from the land at last. But when they woke up, they realized that Trump was still the president of the country.