Friday, April 16, 2021

Biden Claims Anyone Can Go To A Gun Show And Buy A Nuclear Missile With No Background Check

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference today in which President Biden announced new executive action on gun control, he made an emotional plea to Americans, making his case that the action was needed.

In particular, he claimed that gun shows are “free-for-alls” where anyone can just go in and pick up a nuclear missile.

“Anybody can just walk right into a gun show and pick up an intercontinental ballistic missile, no questions asked,” Biden said. “Back in my day, we would play with nuclear missiles with the neighborhood kids. One time, we nuked this poor kid off the face of the planet. It was hilarious. You should have seen the look on his face.”

Google Removes Entire State Of Georgia From Google Maps

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from The Babylon Bee:

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced today that they are removing the entire state of Georgia from their Google Maps platform, effective immediately. This comes in response to the state’s recent voter law that many are calling racist.

“We cannot allow these racist laws to stand,” said a spokesman from the Google Office of Diversity, Inclusion, Anti-Racism, Climate Change, Immigration Reform, and LGBTQ Affairs. “That’s why we must act quickly to get states like Georgia off the map, both literally and figuratively.”

’60 Minutes’ Rebrands As ‘6 Minutes’ Due To Deceptive Editing Practices

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from The Babylon Bee:

NEW YORK, NY—Popular investigative news program 60 Minutes is getting a rebrand, launching anew as 6 Minutes to more accurately describe the program’s deceptive editing practices.

“Our new, improved show will edit out 54 minutes of real footage to only show you 6 minutes of deceptively edited footage,” said a show producer. “Who wants to watch a full hour of news anymore? We cut things down to show you what you need to know.”

Trump Issues Hilarious Easter Statement to All, ‘Including the Radical Left CRAZIES’

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by Jim Hoft, The Gateway Pundit:

Former President Donald Trump has issued a hilarious statement wishing everyone a Happy Easter — “including the radical left CRAZIES who rigged our presidential election.”

The statement immediately went viral across all social media platforms — including Twitter, where he is banned.

Georgia Hangs Up ‘Welcome To Beijing’ Signs To Trick Liberal Companies Into Staying

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—Georgia has hung up signs at all entrances to the state reading “Welcome to Beijing,” cleverly disguising the state as the capital of Communist China. The ploy was designed to trick liberal companies threatening to boycott into staying and doing business in the state.

“It’s a brilliant plan, if I do say so myself,” said Georgia Governor Brian Kemp as he nailed another Beijing sign atop a “Welcome to Georgia” sign along the interstate. “When these Hollywood companies, airlines, and baseball leagues see that we’re actually just the capital of a country that throws its citizens into concentration camps, murders journalists, and oppresses women and children, they’ll love doing business here.”

Service Stations Begin Widening Signs In Preparation For Higher Gas Prices

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Service stations across the country have begun widening their signs in preparation for higher gas prices, sources confirmed Thursday.

The wider signs allow for prices up to eight digits long, “an absolute necessity” for the Biden presidency, according to local fuel station franchise owners.

“We’re gonna need a bigger sign,” gas station owner Amir Wallenfeld said in an interview with a local news station in Los Angeles. “This should get us through the first few years of the Biden presidency, though we’re looking for a bigger one should he be reelected in 2024, should he live that long.”

Neighbors With ‘Black Lives Matter’, ‘Asian Lives Matter’, And ‘Hispanic Lives Matter’ Yard Signs Getting Awfully Close To ‘All Lives Matter’

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from The Babylon Bee:

ANN ARBOR, MI—According to sources, some residents of a local upper-class suburb have accumulated “Black Lives Matter”, “Hispanic Lives Matter”, and “Asian Lives Matter” signs in their perfectly manicured front yards. Experts warn, however, that with the addition of more people groups every day, they are getting dangerously close to saying “All Lives Matter.”

“We need to guard against this,” said local sociology professor Dr. Cam Duncatilly as she added a “Trans Lives Matter” and “Indigenous Lives Matter” sign in her front yard. “We have to make sure that as we add more minorities, we stop short of the damnable heresy of ‘All Lives Matter.'”

Cuomo is Done

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from Mr Reagan:

TRUTH LIVES on at https://sgtreport.tv/