Friday, May 27, 2022

Least Masculine Society In Human History Decides Masculinity Is A Growing Threat

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—As society becomes increasingly dominated by nerds, hipsters, and computer programmers, people have fixated on what they think is our biggest problem: masculinity.

“It’s just toxic and causes nothing but problems,” said Elisha Mcewen, a vegan activist and no threat whatsoever to spiders or tight jar lids. “I was sharing my feelings on masculinity with other men in my drum circle, and we all agreed that if we ever encountered masculinity, we would run far away.”

Selfless Democrats Go To Fancy Restaurants, Parties To Show Public What Not To Do

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—With the pandemic still ongoing and many people still getting infected with COVID-19, Democrats have been especially strict with their constituents, enforcing the harshest lockdowns and restrictions on gatherings. Fearing that’s not enough to get their point through, Democrats have gone the extra length of illustrating to the public exactly what they shouldn’t do by engaging in those activities themselves.

“This could get people killed,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom as he ate at the famous French Laundry restaurant with a large gathering of friends. He then added, between bites of food, “You have to stay home and isolated. I don’t want to see any of you doing this.”

Bernie: ‘We Must Seize The Means Of Toilet Paper Production’

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from The Babylon Bee:

BURLINGTON, VT—In a video message recorded from one of his many, many houses, Bernie Sanders has called on the workers of the world to unite and seize the means of toilet paper production.

Sanders was under quarantine because he is old and susceptible to the virus. So he delivered the message remotely, but it was just as powerful as if he had delivered it to thousands of Bernie bros in person: “Workers of the world, unite and seize the means of producing bath tissue in large quantities!”

Bernie Sanders Drops Out As Campaign Goals Of Locking Everyone Up, Destroying Economy Already Achieved

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from The Babylon Bee:

BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the presidential race since his campaign goals have already been achieved. These goals consisted mostly of locking everyone up in gulags and destroying the economy.

As the coronavirus panic has already accomplished the aims of his socialistic policies, Sanders realized the country didn’t need his public service anymore. Unemployment has skyrocketed, grocery stores have empty shelves, and everyone is confined to their homes on penalty of arrest. This “idyllic paradise” is exactly what Sanders wanted in the first place, so he says he can leave the race satisfied that his vision has been achieved.

Guess Who’s Back!

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from Mark Dice:

TRUTH LIVES on at https://sgtreport.tv/

CNN: ‘Our Ratings Are Only Tanking Because Trump Is Killing Off Viewers By The Millions’

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN host Brian Stelter blamed President Trump for the network’s falling ratings Sunday, accusing the president of killing millions upon millions of people that otherwise might have tuned into CNN.

“If Trump weren’t killing off most of America by the millions, we’d still have a pretty solid viewer base,” Stelter bellowed at the three viewers watching Reliable Sources. “Airports, lobbies, waiting rooms, and gas station pumps are now playing CNN to absolutely no one, since Trump has killed them all.”

Liberal Upset By Ahmaud Arbery Verdict As There’s Nothing To Be Angry About

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from The Babylon Bee:

SEATTLE, WA—According to sources, local liberal activist and white woman Amy Crabtree felt extremely disappointed at the news that Ahmaud Arbery’s killers had been found guilty of murder, as there was nothing left in the news to fuel her activist rage.

“Yes, I want justice, but I also want to be very angry all the time,” said Crabtree. “Pure, unfiltered rage is what fuels our movement for justice, but right now, I feel happy. This isn’t good!”

Experts are warning that if the Left allows their continuous flow of outrage to die down even for a moment, the momentum behind their movement to topple western civilization and establish a utopia of perpetual peace and harmony may lose some steam.

Dems Leave Chair Empty At State Of The Union To Honor Fallen Hero Soleimani

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Washington has a long history of using empty chairs to make political statements, from “empty-chairing” politicians who don’t show up to hearings to leaving chairs empty to protest gun violence.

The practice continued at tonight’s State of the Union address, as Democrats left a lone chair empty in the audience to honor their fallen hero General Qasem Soleimani.