Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Man Drowns As Politically Correct Passengers Struggle To Describe What Just Went Overboard

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from The Babylon Bee:

SAN DIEGO, CA—While sailing off the La Jolla coast Friday, a man tragically drowned after falling off a boat and being lost at sea. He could have been saved, but the other passengers who witnessed him topple over the railing spent too long debating what to yell to inform the captain that he had fallen.

“Human overboard? Person overboard? Generic sentient entity overboard?” one man mused as he sipped a strawberry daiquiri. “I don’t want to be offensive here. We’ve got to be careful.”

Unsatisfied By Thrill Of Eating Tide Pods, Millennials To Storm Military Base

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation’s millennials (and many Gen Zers) thought they were finally satisfied, having consumed millions of dollars’ worth of tide pods, and having snorted a “literal ton” of condoms. For a short while, they felt they were finally content in their need to seek wild thrills by performing potentially fatal activities.

But the gaping void in millennials’ souls remained, and their desire to engage in more and more destructive behavior grew once again. They’ve reportedly turned to a new “wacky challenge” in their constant thrill-seeking adventures: charging a fortified military base.

Dems Change Mind On Border Wall After Realizing It Will Keep People From Leaving When We Switch To Socialism

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The nation’s Democratic leaders announced Tuesday they are reversing course on Trump’s proposed border wall, since “it will keep people in once we switch to socialism.”

“We thought the border wall was a bad, racist idea,” said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “But then this light bulb turned on over my head. It was actually just a light bulb though, not an actual idea, which was disappointing. But that got me thinking about trying to have an idea. And I got an idea: when we switch to socialism, everyone’s gonna try to run away. But what if there’s a big, solid object along the border? Then they can’t run away. I mean, they could try to climb, but we could shoot them.”

Impressed Military Drops Portland Antifa In Hostile ISIS Territory To Continue Doling Out Justice

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from The Babylon Bee:

IRAQ—High-ranking officials in the U.S. Military have been watching Portland closely in recent weeks, keeping a keen eye on anti-fascist vigilante group, Antifa. “These great Americans are really passionate about fighting fascism. It’s inspiring to see,” said one general. The decision was made to gather up as many Antifa members as possible into a large plane and fly them into the Middle East to a territory where ISIS still held some power.

Nike Execs Stop Breathing After Kaepernick Points Out Racists In 18th Century Also Breathed

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from The Babylon Bee:

BEAVERTON, OR—All upper management personnel and top executives at Nike’s headquarters have, sadly, passed away after they voluntarily stopped breathing.

They did this because Colin Kaepernick called their offices in a rage once he discovered they were breathing since racists in the 18th century also breathed.

Nike Releases Bernie Sanders Signature Shoe That Helps You Survive Under Socialism

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from The Babylon Bee:

BEAVERTON, OR—Nike has released a new patriotic shoe just in time for the Fourth of July: the Sanders Air Marx, the official, signature shoe of Senator Bernie Sanders.

Every pair of Air Marx is emblazoned with Sanders’ signature and iconic “crazy old man” silhouette. The shoes pack in all kinds of useful features for people living in a socialist regime, including the following:

Imperial AT-ATs Begin Arriving In Capital For Military Parade

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ahead of Trump’s planned July 4 military parade, several dozen Imperial walkers began to arrive in Washington throughout the week.

The AT-ATs were dropped off by U.S. Space Force Star Destroyers just outside the city and then slowly marched toward the capital (rather than being dropped right next to their target, for some reason). Military bands solemnly played the Imperial March in honor of their arrival. Trump was seen at the White House, pointing excitedly at the looming all-terrain armored transports through an Oval Office window.

Hillary Proposes Reparations To Anyone Who Ever Lost A Presidential Election To Trump

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from The Babylon Bee:

SWEETWATER, TN—As the Democratic Party ramps up their efforts to take back the White House, leftwing politicians have begun pushing new, progressive initiatives, mostly involving promises of reparations to various minorities.

Democrats are proposing reparations for African-Americans, gay couples, and African-American gay couples, leaving some party leaders desperate to entice even more minority voters with monetary vote incentives. Former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is charting new territory by proposing reparations for a people group that she says has been neglected for far too long.

Resurrected Che Guevara Announces 2020 Run, Democrats Quickly Criticize As ‘Too Moderate’

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from The Babylon Bee:

SANTA CLARA, CUBA—Is Marxist revolutionary Che Guevara too moderate for a 2020 run as a Democrat?

That’s the question the left is asking after Guevara was resurrected by a leftist political action committee, Marxists for Equality, Socialism, and Stalinism. MESS activists arrived in Santa Clara earlier this week and summoned Guevara’s spirit back from the dead using dark, demonic rituals, which are well-known to many Democrats. MESS then hastily photoshopped a birth certificate for Zombie Guevara so he would be eligible to run for president of the United States.

Candace Owens stages a photo shoot ‘just like @AOC’

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by Sean Walton, The Daily Sheeple:

Candace Owens, an American conservative commentator, and political activist took to Twitter today to show photos of herself dressed in all white and mimicking the poses that AOC affected in a border visit before she was elected.

But instead of the southern border, Owens was standing outside of an inner-city school where “the conditions are abhorrent and the majoring of black AMERICAN boys can’t pass a basic reading exam.”

Owens said she staged the photo shoot with the hope that the “liberal media will give this epidemic some attention.”

In Emergency Bill, House Dems Vote To Send More Fake Tears To Address Border Crisis

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency bill rushed to the House floor and passed Wednesday, House Democrats voted to send more fake tears to address the crisis on the southern border.

The bill authorizes Congress to send more representatives to the southern border to stage fake photo-ops where they appear to cry over mistreated immigrants.

Spare Empty Podium Expected To Win Democratic Debates By Wide Margin

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from The Babylon Bee:

MIAMI, FL—A spare empty podium and microphone set up backstage at the Democratic debate this evening is projected to win the event “hands down” according to experts.

“This spare podium and microphone won’t say anything stupid, won’t vow to take more of your money away, and won’t promise voters to meddle in your lives,” said one commentator. “The podium’s policy positions are hard to argue with. You don’t have to deal with Warren’s reparations, Biden’s empty promise to cure cancer, or Bernie’s plan to cancel all student debt.”