Friday, July 19, 2019

In Brazen Act Of Aggression, Iran Deploys Its Country Right Next To Our Aircraft Carrier

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from The Babylon Bee:

PERSIAN GULF—In what’s being called a dangerous act of aggression, the country of Iran has deployed its country right next to the USS Abraham Lincoln Carrier Strike Group, which was just minding its own business in the Persian Gulf.

“It is clear that Iran wants war,” said National Security Advisor John Bolton. “Our carrier strike group was just off on a pleasure cruise on the other side of the world, and Iran insisted on placing its country right next to it.”

Facebook SWAT Team Arrests Man For Illegal Possession Of Conservative Views

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from The Babylon Bee:

LA MESA, CA—As part of a widespread crackdown on unacceptable viewpoints on the social network, Facebook sent out its SWAT teams Monday to arrest local man Kent Rogers for illegal possession of conservative views.

After Facebook took out several fringe personalities last week, conservatives thought they were in the clear, but it turns out they were just next on the list.

‘Mortal Kombat’ Introduces Brutal New Fatality Where Your Character Just States An Opposing Viewpoint

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In a surprise update to Mortal Kombat 11 released to players on Monday, NetherRealm and Warner Bros. Interactive have introduced a brutal new fatality where your character just states an opposing viewpoint, and the opponent dies instantly.

Every character can reportedly access this new alternative fatality.

One character says, “There are only two genders,” and his opponent instantly melts into nothing, being unable to handle the opposing viewpoint.

Missed It By That Much: Hillary Clinton Almost Wins ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ But Then Shouts ‘Easter Worshiper’ Instead Of ‘Christian’

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from The Babylon Bee:

Some people think Hillary Clinton is robotic and hard to sympathize with, but even our hearts went out to her on this one.

On a special politicians’ episode of Wheel of Fortune, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton nearly took home the grand prize. She was on the last puzzle of the regular rounds of the game, which read, CHRISTI_N. The audience began to cheer as it appeared Clinton had finally won something.

Bad Luck: Pope Francis Had Just Transferred All Records On Sex Abuse Scandal To Notre Dame For Safekeeping

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from The Babylon Bee:

PARIS—Well, seems there was a bit of bad luck in the Notre Dame fire last week. While most of the relics, artwork, and idols were saved, one thing didn’t survive: all the Catholic Church’s meticulous records on its ongoing sex abuse scandals.

Pope Francis had reportedly just transferred the files to Notre Dame for safekeeping just days before the fire broke out.