Sunday, October 20, 2019

CNN Apologizes To Stalin, Mao After Comparing Them To Trump

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has apologized to Stalin and Mao after a guest compared the brutal dictators to Donald Trump.

“I am so sorry to all of Stalin and Mao’s brave supporters,” said Brian Stelter in an on-air apology Tuesday morning. “We never meant to associate these great men with Donald Trump. We did not intend to disparage communism in that way.”

CNN: ‘Our Ratings Are Only Tanking Because Trump Is Killing Off Viewers By The Millions’

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from The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN host Brian Stelter blamed President Trump for the network’s falling ratings Sunday, accusing the president of killing millions upon millions of people that otherwise might have tuned into CNN.

“If Trump weren’t killing off most of America by the millions, we’d still have a pretty solid viewer base,” Stelter bellowed at the three viewers watching Reliable Sources. “Airports, lobbies, waiting rooms, and gas station pumps are now playing CNN to absolutely no one, since Trump has killed them all.”

San Francisco Changes Term ‘Convicted Felons’ To More Politically Correct ‘Elected Officials’

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from The Babylon Bee:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a move to make sure criminals are treated fairly, San Francisco has instituted a policy of referring to “convicted felons” by the much more politically correct term “elected officials.”

“These convicted felons are finding it harder to advance to higher political office when we keep bringing up their criminal activities,” said San Francisco Mayor London Breed. “We must ensure they get a fair shake at ruining even more people’s lives when they run for Congress, Senate, or the White House.”

Portland Police: ‘We Wish There Were Some Kind Of Organized, Armed Force That Could Fight Back Against Antifa’

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from The Babylon Bee:

PORTLAND, OR—In a press release earlier this week, Portland police chief Danielle Outlaw (her actual name), appearing somber and exhausted, said she just wishes there were some kind of group with the firepower and authority to fight back against Antifa.

In a candid moment, Outlaw (seriously, her actual name) said there was just nothing the police could do, as they’d need to have some kind of organized, armed force specifically created to protect and serve the people.

SILVER BULLETS? Nope, That’s .50 Caliber Lead Shot Right Through A 1 Kilo Gold Bar

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from Silver Doctors:

Not silver bullets, but black-tip .50 caliber bullets. Let’s see what it can do to a gold bar!

by Demolition Ranch

*NOTE: I filmed this video around 3 weeks ago when the price of gold/oz was lower than today, making this bar worth $45,000. Today, since the spot value of gold has gone up the bar is worth $52,500 based on its weight. So the auction’s starting bid is at $52,500, which is the price of what that weight of gold is worth according to today’s spot price. I’m clarifying for the people that are unsure why there was a price increase.*

Women Who Don’t Believe Israel Has Right To Exist Not Sure Why They Got Banned From Israel

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar reported Thursday they were bewildered that they got banned from Israel, a country they seem to believe shouldn’t exist at all.

“It’s racism,” said Omar in a press conference. “It’s all due to racism. Well, that and a Jewish conspiracy. The Jews are behind this, for sure.” (The evidence indicates she’s correct on this assertion, a first for her accusations against Jews).

America Offers To Trade All Of Its Communists For Democratic Protesters In Hong Kong

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The American state department has come up with an ingenious plan to solve China’s democratic protest problems and make our nation great again in one fell swoop.

Through some great negotiating on the part of Donald Trump, we’ve struck a deal to trade all of our country’s Communists for Hong Kong’s democratic protesters.

Six-Year-Old Saying, ‘Why Don’t We Just Give Everything Away For Free?’ Surges To Top Of Democratic Polls

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—A new candidate has come out of nowhere to surge in the polls in the Democratic primary, and she’s only six years old. Susie Peters of Minneapolis, Minnesota, was on a local news segment where children gave their opinions on world problems, and she asked, “Why can’t we just give everyone everything they want for free?” The message quickly went viral and really resonated with Democratic voters, propelling Susie from unknown to third in most polls, ahead of Bernie Sanders and just behind Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden.

We Would Like To State For The Record That Hillary Clinton Is An Upstanding Citizen And A Fine Human Being

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from The Babylon Bee:

A note from the editorial board at The Babylon Bee:

A number of people have questioned our love for Hillary Clinton based on some satirical pieces published on our site recently.

We would like to clear things up by saying that Hillary Clinton is an upstanding citizen and a very fine human being. She is of excellent character. She would never hurt anyone. The people who wrote those jokes, headlines, and pieces that seemed to criticize Hillary have been dealt with.

Artist Sabo strikes again: Billboards hijacked in LA to slam Epstein & Polanski

from Fellowship Of The Minds:

Not much needed to say about this billboard. It pretty much sums up Hollyweird.

If you want the details, read the Hollywood Reporter story here.

DCG

Snopes Rolls Out New Opinion Check Feature

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Snopes has rolled out a helpful new feature: an opinion checker.

Alongside the site’s helpful fact checks of satirical articles and debunking of urban legends, there will now be a section of the site dedicated to checking out opinions and letting you know which ones are acceptable to hold.