Thursday, July 18, 2019

Democrats Vow To Close Dangerous Gun-Buying Loophole Known As ‘The Second Amendment’

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Democrats have made vows to place extreme restrictions on guns, but they keep running into a problem: Many of their ideas can’t go into effect because of an early addendum to the Constitution. They’re now calling this the “Second Amendment loophole.”

“We just want to get guns off the streets,” Cory Booker, one of 583 presidential candidates, told the press, “but this Second Amendment loophole makes it so we can’t do that. We need to close that loophole.”

Nation Spends Day Acknowledging Existence Of Completely Unnecessary Parent

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—While everyone has a mother–a necessity in every family for raising and providing for the children–there is a second type of parent some people have called a “father.” It is unknown what purpose this seemingly vestigial parent provides, but today is a holiday known as Father’s Day, where the existence of fathers is acknowledged even if their purpose is unknown.

“That fathers exist at all is kind of insulting,” said feminist activist Caron Wolff. “That they’re around at all seems to imply women could use help running a family–which simply isn’t true. Still, it is a fact that they currently exist, so I guess it’s okay to spend one day acknowledging that fact as long as not too big a deal is made of it.”

John Bolton: ‘When Has The Government Ever Lied About Attacks On Ships In A Gulf Somewhere Just To Provoke War?’

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from The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—After top U.S. officials claimed Iran attacked ships in the Gulf of Oman this week, John Bolton held a press conference where he asked when the government has ever lied about something like this just to start a war.

“When has the government ever lied about ships being attacked, say in a gulf somewhere, for the purpose of getting involved in another foreign conflict?” he asked. “Can you point to a single time a lie about a minor attack resulted in a major unnecessary war? No, I didn’t think so,” he said.

Twitter To Improve User Experience By Requiring Every Tweet Be Accompanied By A Picture Of A Puppy

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from The Babylon Bee:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter is making yet another change to try to improve the user experience. One of the biggest complaints about Twitter is all the toxicity on the platform and how it seems to encourage people to spew venom at each other instead of engaging in constructive dialog. Twitter’s first attempt to fix this was to make avatars round. Now they have a new idea that they hope to be even more successful: Require that every tweet be accompanied by a picture of a puppy.

Google Deploys Squads Of Firemen To Burn Offensive Books, Videos, Websites

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from The Babylon Bee:

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—It looks like Google is adding hundreds of jobs to Silicon Valley, as its newly opened book-burning division is looking to hire firemen.

These firemen don’t put out fires, but rather, they destroy books, videos, information, and anything else that contradicts a far-left worldview. They utilize fire at 451 degrees Fahrenheit. Google’s robotics division has also reportedly developed a Mechanical Hound designed to sniff out resistance to its totalitarian destruction of offensive content.

Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship

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from The Babylon Bee:

AUBURN, CA—Local 36-year-old man Nate Ripley, who identifies as a six-year-old, “absolutely crushed” a game-winning homer at a local tee-ball game and won the championship for his team Monday evening, reports confirmed.

Ripley reportedly walked up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th, pointed his bat toward the left-field wall looming 130 feet in the distance, and let her rip, sending the ball rocketing over the fence and into a parking lot as the fans cheered and his coach yelled out, “Attaboy, Nate! Good job, bud!”

Nation Approves Plan To Push Hollywood Into Pacific Ocean

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new law passed by Congress and signed into law by President Trump Thursday approves a plan to push Hollywood into the Pacific Ocean, sources in Washington are reporting.

The new law calls for federal officials to build or acquire a giant hand saw and make a rough incision along the outside of the central district of Los Angeles, leaving a large enough buffer so as to be sure that none of Hollywood would remain, allowing the scandal-ridden Tinseltown and its occupants to simply drift out to sea.

Ocasio-Cortez Disappointed To Learn The ‘Free Market’ Isn’t A Grocery Store Where You Don’t Have To Pay For Anything

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has struggled to get by on her new six-figure salary, given the high cost of living in her luxurious Washington, D.C. crib.

So when she heard in passing that the United States has a “free market” economy, she was ecstatic. She immediately set out in an Uber to try to find one of the free markets, assuming they were grocery stores where you don’t have to pay for anything.

In Honor Of Memorial Day, John Bolton Announces 7 New Wars

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from The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a moving speech to honor Memorial Day, National Security Advisor John Bolton announced seven new wars the U.S. will launch in the coming months.

It’s customary for military leaders to say a few words on Memorial Day, sometimes thanking past soldiers for their sacrifice or reminding Americans of the price of freedom. This year, Bolton is going above and beyond, actually announcing new unnecessary wars as a special gift to the country on this solemn occasion.

Report: Long-Running Political Lecture Show ‘Saturday Night Live’ Will Shift To Comedy Next Season

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from The Babylon Bee:

NEW YORK, NY—A new report out of well-known political lecture show Saturday Night Live indicated Friday that the series will undergo a drastic genre change, shifting to a comedic format.

Insiders claim the series will attempt to have jokes, funny skits, and clever writing. It’s a major change for the series, since it pretty much just lectures you on what to believe politically at this point.