from The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — The Federal Bureau of Investigation decided to distract the public from their complete lack of progress on the old Trump assassination attempt with a shiny, new Trump assassination attempt.

“Look, what’s that over there? It’s another person trying to shoot Trump! Oh no!” said FBI Director Christopher Wray. “Aw, shucks, looks like we don’t have time to worry about Matthew Crooks and all his encrypted communication.”