from The Babylon Bee:

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After facing weeks of pressure to resign following scandals involving campus antisemitism and plagiarism, Claudine Gay has announced she will step down as Harvard’s President. She delivered her remarks this morning in a tearful speech entitled “Gettysburg Address.”

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal,” began Gay to a crowd of tearful diversity studies students. “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war.”