from The Babylon Bee:
It’s that time of year again – when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!
January 1 – Millions set out to read their entire Bible
January 4 – Dozens still reading their entire Bible
January 6 – AOC dies again of PTSD after recounting her death on January 6
TRUTH LIVES on at https://sgtreport.tv/
February 13 – Kamala Harris reports that Biden had an unfortunate accident coming down the stairs
February 16 – Kamala caught laughing while at Biden’s funeral
February 19 – Kamala Harris sworn in
February 20 – Weed criminalized heavily in all 50 states
March 3 – Whoopi Goldberg says something racist
March 13 – AOC says something stupid
March 23 – John Fetterman finally finishes taking his oath of office
April 4 – The war in Ukraine ends
April 5 – The war in Taiwan begins
April 12 – SBF says that another $50 million of people’s money has gone missing
May 1 – Obama releases a new memoir
May 12 – No one shows up to work across America. Also, all Nintendo Switches are sold out for some reason
May 19 – Webster changes the definition of gender
May 22 – Bob Iger bends the knee and swears fealty to Ron DeSantis
May 25 – Public schools announce they will now allow Tuttle Twins books in school libraries
May 26 – Tuttle Twins books pulled from libraries after students start questioning teachers’ bias
June 4 – Kanye says he’s not crazy anymore
June 5 – Kanye joins the KKK
July 4 – Zelensky named president of the United States
August 8 – Dr. Fauci comes out of retirement after new COVID strain leaks from a lab
August 12 – Alex Jones sued for another $400 trillion billion
September 15 – Obama releases a new memoir
September 20 – Elon releases part 3,285 of the Twitter files
October 27 – Elon Musk buys The View, promptly cancels the show forever
October 29 – Post Office releases Jan 6 commemorative stamp
November 9 – Pizzagate conspiracy confirmed true
November 23 – Brian Stelter retires to Idaho to be with his kind
November 25 – Elon Musk announces gas-powered Tesla to save us all from the coming ice age
December 5 – Disney announces Phase 5 of the Marvel Universe will be Brie Larson giving a series of 2-hour TED talks on misogyny.
December 10 – A late-night host says something funny (hey, we can dream right?)
December 31 – The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it
