Leaked: Trump Mara-a-Lago raid testimony

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by Jon Rappoport, No More Fake News:

This is a closed-door session. Five Senators were called away on other important business. So it’s Just Senator Thorazine and I here today. Nevertheless, we’ll proceed. Our first witness is lead FBI agent, Robert Fish Expedition. Sir, please explain why you went to Mr. Trump’s estate that night.

Well, Senator, you see, a few of the boys and I were out late. We’d had a few drinks, and on our way home we got lost. Finally, we saw lights in the distance and drove toward them. Turned out that was Mar-a-Lago.

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I see. And why the intensive search inside the house?

We were hungry. We were in the kitchen making baloney sandwiches and we couldn’t find any mayo. So we looked for it. Everywhere.

Mayo with baloney?

I know. We could’ve gone with mustard, but we had a sudden urge for mayo.

And you couldn’t locate any?

We searched the whole house. Not one jar anywhere.

Why did you look in Melania’s closets?

We were operating under the general assumption that women hide things.

Right. And what about the search warrant?

Senator, I admit that was probably wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, after we finished searching and eating, we realized the whole business probably looked bad. So we drove to Attorney General Garland’s house and convinced him to issue the warrant retroactively.

He agreed?

He was annoyed. He was watching porn when we interrupted him.

Excuse me?

Soft-core. Reruns of that old HBO series about vampires.

TrueBlood?

Yes, that’s the one.

Quite compelling stuff.

We all sat down and watched for an hour or so. Then we got him to sign the warrant.

He was just sitting there in his living room in a bathrobe?

No, he was wearing some kind of costume. Apparently he puts it on when he watches.

So all the language in the warrant about documents and files…

Just a cover.

For the mayo.

Right.

I’m glad we’re clearing this up.

Thank you, Senator.

Let me ask you this, Agent. Would you be willing to reimburse Mr. Trump for the baloney and the bread?

And the mustard, which is finally what we went with. Yes, of course. The people in accounting have already come up with a figure. $67.32.

The FBI will cut a check?

No, sir. My boys and I will pay out of pocket. In cash.

As a penalty.

Right. We had to agree to that, in order to get Attorney General Garland to sign the search warrant.

He insisted?

He was quite adamant. He said it was matter of principle.

I’d say you’re lucky to have him as your boss.

We appreciated his stance on the matter.

Particularly since you interrupted him in the middle of the night.

Correct.

Senator Thorazine, do you have any questions for the Agent?

Ah…no. I believe he’s explained…the…situation.

Good. One more thing, Agent. Will you be issuing an apology to Mr. Trump?

No, Senator.

Why not?

Mr. Garland was very clear on that point. He told us that, as soon as President Biden was inaugurated, he signed a secret executive order banning any apology for anything, directed toward Mr. Trump, from any agency or person in the federal government. Going forward, at any time.

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