from The Babylon Bee:
BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the presidential race since his campaign goals have already been achieved. These goals consisted mostly of locking everyone up in gulags and destroying the economy.
As the coronavirus panic has already accomplished the aims of his socialistic policies, Sanders realized the country didn’t need his public service anymore. Unemployment has skyrocketed, grocery stores have empty shelves, and everyone is confined to their homes on penalty of arrest. This “idyllic paradise” is exactly what Sanders wanted in the first place, so he says he can leave the race satisfied that his vision has been achieved.
“This once-in-a-lifetime deadly pandemic has already accomplished what socialism aims to do,” Sanders said in his concession speech. “Since my services are no longer required, I will be suspending my campaign and heading to my house. Well, one of my houses. I haven’t decided which yet. The summer camp is nice and secluded, but I might want to wait until the weather warms up a bit.”
“Ah, being a rich socialist is pretty great, isn’t it?”
Sanders also pointed out that his other main goals of hyperinflation and total dependence on the government are already on their way.