from The Babylon Bee:
U.S.—We’ve all been there: you’re sitting around on Thanksgiving eating turkey when your crazy uncle starts ranting about the deep state lizard people. It can really make munching on turkey awkward.
There’s a new solution, though, that promises to make Thanksgiving a lot more peaceful this year: an ejection seat that launches anyone who talks about politics into the stratosphere. Developed by Peaceful Families, LLC, the seat can detect talk about politics and launch the offender miles and miles into the atmosphere.
“As soon as you mention words like Congress, Washington, libs, impeachment, 45, Trump, Pelosi, global warming, or Obama, the system will kick in, launching its rocket boosters and propelling outta there so everyone else can enjoy their Thanksgiving dinner,” said Bob Paulsen, CEO of PF. “You’re welcome.”
“You wanna know what I think about impeach—aaaaAAAAHHH!!!” one test subject screamed as he was catapulted through the roof and over five miles into the air. “WAAA HOO HOO HOOOOOOO!!!”
“Yep, it works,” said a PF researcher as he monitored the subject’s rapid ascent.
Relatives who apologize as they plummet to their death will be saved by a rescue drone before they hit, while those who keep ranting about Trump, impeachment, Republicans, Democrats, or anything else even remotely political will be allowed to slam into the ground at terminal velocity.
The system can also be adjusted to detect other contentious subjects of discussion, such as theology or The Last Jedi.