by Robert Kirk, All News Pipeline:
Fred, I can’t thank you enough for helping me deal with all the new rules and regulations. I’ve never tried to run a business here before!” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, I wish you a lot of luck,” Fred laconically replied. “There’s a few new laws to watch out for – just went into effect New Year’s Day.”
“Oh Fred”, I chortled, “It’s going to be so much fun to run my own business and to be able to do it in such a beautiful place like this! Everyone’s been so nice since I got here. It’s like they want to know everything about me!”
“I think that’s your 1 p.m. interview for the accountant position pacing up and down in the waiting room,” Fred murmured darkly as he motioned towards the open reception door.
What I saw was concerning. “Fred, can you shut that door? I need to talk to you aside. I’m confused Fred. How should I refer to that applicant? As ‘Madam’ or ‘Sir?’”
“I wouldn’t use either of those antiquated gender specific pronouns. It could be interpreted as hate speech. Yes, it’s sporting cherry redlipstick and a skin tight pink chiffon dress, but judging by the 5 o’clock shadow, the tuffs of hair on the neck and back and the pronounced Neanderthal gait, your 1 o’clock is undoubtedly a member of our local Wazeri Immigrant cross-dresser transgender community. Whatever you say during the interview, reference only politically correct gender neutral pronouns. And above all else, absolutely no questions about the applicants criminal history or prior convictions.”
“I can’t ask if they’ve ever been convicted of a crime?” I replied.
“Absolutely not”, shot back Fred. “Assembly Bill 1008 was just signed into law by the Governor. It strictly prohibits you taking into account prior criminal history before making an offer of employment.”
“Gosh – how silly of me. I guess if someone has prior convictions for embezzlement, receiving stolen property or grand theft that shouldn’t be a factor in deciding whether they should be entrusted with the company payroll. Crazy me – whatever was I thinking?”
Fred’s head shot around as he took a suspicious glance out the office window. “See that black nondescript sedan out there?” “Yeah – what of it?” I asked innocently. “The Feds,” he spat back. “It’s an undercover ICE Agent. “Whatever you do, if he comes in here poking his head around asking for help with immigration enforcement tell him to pound sand and try and get a warrant from one of our immigration enforcement minded Judges.”
“Oh Fred, that seems so impolite. I have no problem helping our hard working federal servants with immigration enforcement.” “You damn well better have a problem with it”, shot back Fred. “Assembly Bill 450 just passed into law!”
“Assembly Bill 450?”
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